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ms_scarletibis [userpic]
Fic "Hurt"
by ms_scarletibis (ms_scarletibis)
at March 12th, 2009 (04:18 am)
Tags: ,


Author:
Scarlet Ibis
Title:  Hurt
Rating: PG-15
Season/Pairing: BtVS season 6/Spuffy
Genre(s):  General/drama
Warning: Starts kind of heavy, ends...not so heavy.  Vague, yes, but I don't want to spoil anyone.
Summary:  What else happened in that bathroom?  And suppose Spike had a late start on leaving, and he was actually there, as opposed to Clem, when Buffy tries to drop Dawn off at his crypt? What would have been said?  One shot.
Status:  Complete.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, nor do I make any kind of money from writing about them.  This is all in good fun and for non profit entertainment purposes only.

 

He had to make her see.

She loved him. He had felt it before. He had seen it in her eyes. The last time they had been together, she had been so tender, so loving. The way she had looked at him...

She could feel it again; he knew that she could.

She had to feel it. He wasn't alone in this. He couldn't be. Not now.

She loves me. She felt it before. She loves me. She loved me. She'll love me...

He knew that if he could just…

And then, his body was kicked across the room, and he crashed into the shelves on the wall, the trembling pain in her voice dragging him back to the harsh horror of reality.

"Ask me again why I could never love you!" Buffy shouted at him, tears running down her cheeks.

Spike just stared at her, confusion all over his face.

"My god, Buffy. I didn't--"

"Because I stopped you!" she cut in. "Something I should have done a long time ago," she added, clutching her robe to her defensivley. She stared him down with righteous indignation, as he leaned against the wall, looking down at the floor.

"Because you stopped...how was I supposed to have…" Spike's voice broke, his face crumpling in pain as he looked at her. "How was I to know, Buffy?"

"No, I should have known not to expect anything from you. You aren't a man--just a soulless thing,” Buffy snapped in a voice of fierce disgust. “But know what you aren't? Blind, or deaf. I was hurt, Spike. I told you no!”

"I've been hurt too, damn it! And I've said no," Spike exclaimed passionately, staring her down. "You hurt me, and now I've hurt you. Round and round we bloody go, pet. You've almost always told me to stop...and there've been times when I've said no, and you just kept..."

Buffy's mouth parted slightly, and she slowly sank down onto the cold, tiled floor, her strength leaving her with the impact of his words. She leaned against the tub as realization dawned on her, looking up at him.

"We both know that deep down we didn't mean it. Couldn't resist, like an addiction. Only this time, you did. But how was I to know that? Tell me. Please." Spike's voice softened to a whisper, desperate for her to understand, desperate for her to explain.

She didn't.

She couldn't.

Spike sighed, looking away from her briefly.

"We were both right, you know. Great love does burn and consume until there's nothing left. And damn it, there's nothing left of me. I don't even know who I am anymore, Buffy. Or why I feel the way I...why I feel anything. But I do. All I ever do..." He scoffed derisively, a bitter smile on his lips. "I'm a soulless demon, sure. But this," he paused, slapping his left hand over his un-beating heart, "doesn't seem to care."

Clenching his fists, he dropped his head again, unable to hold her gaze. He walked the length of the bathroom, silent, heading for the door. He grabbed the doorknob and paused, leaning his forehead against the door, a choked sob escaping his lips. "When I love someone, it's typical for it to be painful for me. I was used to it hurting. But I never thought that...never even dreamed that my love would ever hurt you. That's the last thing that I wanted." He sighed, not sure if she was even listening, but he ploughed on anyway. "I only wanted to help. I only wanted you to be happy. To acknowledge my feelings. I wanted you to love me back. But you can't. I don't deserve it. I'm nothing," he admitted quietly.

And suddenly, it was all too much--it felt as if his heart was being crushed. The pain--he needed it to stop. It hurt now more than ever. Tightening his grip, he turned the knob and opened the door slowly, silently begging his tears to recede. He stepped into the hallway, closing the door behind him. Once he heard it click, he heard her muffled voice through the door.

"I'm sorry, Spike."

He clenched his jaw at that. He was hurting, but he also felt angry -- angry at the fact that she got to him so much. Angry that he felt guilt at all, and saddened by the fact of what had almost occurred, and guilty again for feeling that anger in the first place. He was confused; he was a demon, yet he loved so strongly and so deeply that it brought him crashing to his knees.

Literally.

He bit his lower lip, digging his fingers into his thighs as he sat there on the carpeted hallway floor. He looked up and saw the smiling face of Buffy looking happily down at him, an image from a long ago time, back when her hair was long and her eyes still shone with fire and life.

The pain intensified as he realized how dated the photo was. He hadn't seen her that happy since...since before Joyce had died. He jerked his eyes away from the photo, feeling that it was a mockery of what he thought he had had with her for one hundred and forty seven days.

Before white bread came back to town, of course, and ruined everything.

Funny how the number of days we spent together was the exact same number of days she was gone.

Spike shook his head and took a few deep, calming breaths. He roughly wiped the tears from his eyes, and lifted his knees up, pressing the balls of his feet into the floor as he stood up in one, fluid motion.

Pushing all thoughts from his mind, he rushed down the stairs and fled the Summers' home, refusing to look back.

*~*~*~*

As she walked through the cemetery gates, Buffy felt her stomach twist in knots; but to be honest, her stomach had already had a bad case of cramping ever since she left the house, heading in the direction of Restfield with Dawn. Of course, as she saw Spike walking out of his crypt, the knots culminated into one large contusion that grew into what she was sure was a tumor. She swallowed, focusing on what was important.

“Spike, I need your help.”

“I think you’ve made it quite obvious how much my services aren’t needed.” There was no malice or sarcasm in his voice. His tone, being so matter-of-fact, stung somehow. He glanced at Dawn and scratched his brow. “Actually, uh, I was on my way…out.”

“Good thing we caught you before you left then,” Dawn said uneasily, sensing the tension between the two. Silence ensued, so Dawn added, “Gee, this is fun with the not talking. I’m thinking it might be easier if I just go inside while you guys hash out…stuff.”

“Dawn, go wait inside. I need to talk to Spike alone,” Buffy said, her eyes still locked on Spike. Dawn rolled her eyes at not being heard by her sister. As if that’s anything new. But then she really looked at the two and saw with worry that they were so busy warily staring at each other, they didn’t bother to look at her at all. She shifted her backpack on her shoulder and walked past them, heading into Spike’s crypt.

Spike glanced away briefly once he heard the door slam shut.

“This really isn’t…such a good idea. I have a thing I need to—”

“Things are majorly bad. Willow’s….Tara’s dead, and Willow has totally gone all Joe Pesci. But with magic.”

“What?”

“Um, you know. She's a total, irrational hothead? Casino? Goodfellas?”

“No, I got that part. I meant…Tara?”

“It was Warren. He came to kill me, shot me, and Tara ended up with a stray bullet in the process.”

“My god…but you’re—” Spike paused as his hands involuntarily reached toward her. He dropped his head and his hands simultaneously, releasing a shaky sigh. “Sorry, I just…”

Buffy’s eyes watered. “I know my timing sucks…but I can’t do this alone. I…Everything is so messed up. I just need you to push it all aside—”

“Again with your needs, is it? When it’s convenient for you.” He said it in such a manner that it sounded caustic and wounded simultaneously.

“This isn’t about me. Or you. Not really. I just need to know that Dawn is safe. My best friend is hell bent on killing a bunch of innocent people, and there’s only so much I can handle at one time.”

“Yeah?” His voice wavered, and he finally looked up at her. She saw that his eyes were just as wet as hers. “Same here, pet. I’m not a sodding tennis ball. All of this back and forth…Why bring Dawn here? Why, after everything?”

“Because I know that if there is anyone capable of protecting her, keeping her safe, it’s you. I trust that you’ll—”

Trust? No, you don’t trust me.”

She shook her head, just slightly, responding softly, “I do.” She took a step closer to him, not only invading his personal space, but also narrowing the perimeter of her own private bubble. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t, Spike.”

She paused, looking at him intently. He looked so vulnerable. At first, she thought it was because he wasn’t wearing his coat, but then she looked at his face, his entire demeanor, and realized it was much more than that.

Taking a deep breath, she continued, “When I said that I didn’t trust you before…I meant with my heart. All this time, it was like…there was only so much space for you there. When I got back, you were my friend, and then everything changed. And they kept changing, and I didn’t know how to deal.”

“I…I tried what I could Buffy.”

“I know. And things would have been better if…Okay, I’m not so good with the words, but here goes.”

She took a deep breath, crossed her arms across her chest, and looked at everywhere but at him.

“I used to have an open heart. The problem with that is it’s easier to break in half, you know? So instead, I kept it closed, thinking that was the best way to protect it. But when you keep it closed, like I did all these months since I came back…it won’t break, sure, but it’ll get crushed. Better to have a clean break than to be crushed. I realize that now. Of course, hindsight is always twenty/twenty.”

“What are you getting at, Buffy?” His voice was soft, and his gaze inquisitive.

“I don’t know, really.”

She looked at him then, opening her mouth, and then closed it abruptly. She frowned, looking off into the distance, collecting her thoughts. Turning her focus back on him, quietly, she began again.

“I shut myself off to you when we first became…when we first kissed. And by doing that, shutting you out one way, letting you in another, it compressed my insides, you know? By trying to spare myself, I just made it worse. I should’ve just taken a chance. I should have let myself be full of love because, Spike…”

Though she felt the tears on her cheeks and saw the pain in his eyes, she kept going. “Being full of all that hate—hate for myself and hate for you loving me, couldn’t have been better than the alternative.”

“And what’s that?” he questioned softly.

“Not being afraid to let myself love you back. Maybe if this had happened before I died, it’d have been different.”

“But it wasn’t. We can’t change what happened. Can’t ever go back.”

“Don’t wanna. Wasn’t that much fun, what with the wallowing,” she said with a wry smile.

Though it took him some effort, he returned it just as wryly, if not more so. “Agreed. So…where does this leave us?”

“Well, I don’t want to fight, or shag, or hate you till it makes me quiver…so can we learn to be friends again? Because I miss it. Especially now. Good friends are few and far between, and with one on the warpath, and another gone…I don’t just need your help, Spike. I want it. I need you here.”

He stared at her for a moment, considering her request, weighing what he thought needed to be done, and what she needed him to do—to protect Dawn.

Even after all of the hell they’d been through—after everything…

“’Til the end of the world, right?” Spike said. He couldn’t help but give a tremulous smile. It gave her hope, quelling the heaviness that dwelled in her insides. She knew then that he would still stay by her side. It was comfort. It was…everything.

 

Comments

Posted by: dragonflylady77 (dragonflylady77)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 12:39 pm (UTC)
Red top straw

That was beautiful. Thank you!!
I'm glad he got to say those things to her, about him being hurt too and I wanted to give him a giant hug when he walked out in the hallway.

^_^

*mwah*

Posted by: ms_scarletibis (ms_scarletibis)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 11:42 pm (UTC)
Lucille Squee!

Yay! Thank you :D

Yeah, I never bought the whole "Buffy's the victim" angle they tried to throw in at the last minute ;)

Posted by: Peabody (peabodyblue)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 01:54 pm (UTC)

Very nice! How I wish things happened this way! :)

Posted by: ms_scarletibis (ms_scarletibis)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 11:39 pm (UTC)

Thanks very much! Glad it was worth the gander :D

Posted by: brunettepet (brunettepet)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC)

I enjoyed this alternative to "Seeing Red." The two of them actually talking rather than acting and reacting worked beautifully. Spike calling Buffy on the mutual violence of their relationship opened her eyes, making the conversation in the cemetery heart felt and believable and I loved Buffy's take on the Spike's speech from "Lover's Walk."

Thanks for another in voice, entertaining read.

Posted by: ms_scarletibis (ms_scarletibis)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 11:39 pm (UTC)
Lucille Squee!

I didn't much appreciate the slanted writing in SR, and coupled with a few things from the following ep...and that's how I got to this :)

Thank you :D

Posted by: petzipellepingo (petzipellepingo)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 05:40 pm (UTC)
sr bathroom by no_delusion

I've been hurt too, damn it! And I've said no," Spike exclaimed passionately, staring her down. "You hurt me, and now I've hurt you. Round and round we bloody go, pet. You've almost always told me to stop...and there've been times when I've said no, and you just kept..."

Yes, it certainly would have been nice to have the characters talk about their behavior to each other.

Posted by: ms_scarletibis (ms_scarletibis)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 11:37 pm (UTC)
Lucille Squee!

Apart of me feels like they said something to one another after the show cuts. She looked disappointed that he wasn't at his crypt in "Villains," I think it was.

Thank you :D

Posted by: pfeifferpack (pfeifferpack)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 09:48 pm (UTC)
standing ovation

Really loved this. He should have reminded her of their recent past IMHO...of course the poor boy was utterly horrified by what had nearly happened (mostly his guilt because of his "I don't hurt YOU," promise was broken). Yeah...I really like this!

Fine selections you are sharing hon.

Kathleen

Posted by: ms_scarletibis (ms_scarletibis)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC)
Lucille Squee!

Yeah--SR was presented as very one-sided IMHO.

Thanks so much Kathleen :D

*hugs*

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: ms_scarletibis (ms_scarletibis)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 11:34 pm (UTC)
Lucille Squee!

Thank you :D

Posted by: Abby (abelina)
Posted at: March 14th, 2009 03:06 am (UTC)
FangFace

Seeing Red always bothered me, too, for most of the same reasons everyone else mentioned. This was much more satisfactory . . . the events still happened but the characters dealt with it in a better (and in my, and apparently everyone else's, opinion, more realistic) way. I was glad in the show when Buffy chose to trust Spike to watch Dawn, and their conversation you wrote here was an excellent way to wrap this up. Brilliant as always.

Posted by: ms_scarletibis (ms_scarletibis)
Posted at: March 14th, 2009 05:10 am (UTC)
Good grief.

Yeah--SR was totally one sided, and for the longest time, I wondered how Spike left that bathroom. I think it was remiss of the writers to just leave it like that, but then again, they did have an agenda (though for the most part, didn't work).

Thank you so much :D

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